1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe, fit a thin mattress
and sleep on top of it.
2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is
3. Wash your socks and underpants in the bathroom sink every night,
then hang them on the water pipes to dry.
4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, instruct your wife to whip
open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say, "Sorry
mate, wrong pit!"
5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off when you
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking-chair
and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick.
7. Put diesel oil into a humidifier and set it on high to achieve
that wonderful Ship Aroma.
8. Don't watch TV except for a movie at 2030. For added realism,
have the family vote for which movie to have and then select a
9. Leave a lawnmower running in the house to re-create correct noise
10.Have the postman or paperboy give you a haircut fortnightly.
11.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, ensuring that
the soot is carried over to your neighbour's home. When he comes to
complain, laugh and say "That's life in a blue suit mate"
12.Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week, storing all
of your rubbish in the shower cubicle.
13.Wake up at midnight each night and make a sandwich out of
anything you can find.
14.Have a fridge in your home specifically for beer. put a lock on
it and give the key to the local policeman.
15.Keep spare keys for above and empty it every lunchtime.
16.Devise your family menu a week in advance without looking in the
fridge or freezer.
17.Once a month, take apart every household appliance then
18.Use four spoonfuls of coffee per cup and wait 3 hours before
19.Invite 40 people you don't like, to stay in your house for a
couple of months.
20.Install a small fluorescent strip light under your coffee table
then lie underneath it to read a book.
21.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in
the house, so you will either bang your head or skin your shins
every time you pass through them.
22.When baking a cake, prop one side of the cake tin against the
side of the oven and when it has cooled, spread icing thickly on
lower side to even it out.
23.Every so often throw one of the kids into the bath and scream
"Man overboard!" Sling in a sponge with a flag on it, then
run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans onto the floor
and yell at your wife for not securing for sea.
24.Get your wife and kids to clean their rooms every evening and at
1900 wander around the house with the local policeman.
25.Name your favourite shoes "Steaming Bats" then get the
kids to hide them around the house.
26.Lie on your bed, or sofa and fart for absolutely no reason.
27.Insist on going to the local post office for your mail and get
them to phone you when it is ready for collection.
28.On Saturday morning walk around the house, whistling loudly and
insist that everyone you pass stands to attention.
29.Paint the outside of your house battleship grey and put the
number on the wall in big black letters.
30.Put windows and a bloody big wheel in your loft.
31.Every Thursday at 0500 in the morning, run around the house
yelling "Hands to Action Stations!"
32.Roll up a soft porn magazine and stick it behind the cistern in
the toilet all of your visitors can read it.
33. When the family demands more food, yell back at them "WHAT
DO YOU EXPECT FOR 39p PER DAY, PER MAN"!